Actually, that's exaggerating a bit. My top anti-panto recommendation is at The Famous Spiegeltent, in Edinburgh's Winter Wonderland. This is the hallowed venue that normally sets up home at Edinburgh Fringe, courtesy of the Gilded Balloon; but lucky
us, it's here at Christmas this year and teeming with big butch drag queens from Melbourne. I know this because I am in the unique position of having been dragged up by them once for Scotland on Sunday – a long debauched story for another time.
At White Magic (Friday to Sunday, from 9pm, £12/£10), which is essentially a camp festive cabaret, you will also get Edinburgh's own hip-hop crew Etch 'n' Sketch, the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre and much more.
Also in the capital is the last chance to catch the brilliant Sunshine On Leith, Stephen Greenhorn's musical based on the songs of The Proclaimers, which is basically a hugely entertaining evening (Friday, Festival Theatre, £7-£27).
If you're after something with Marti Pellow in it – and come on, I know some of you are – you're in luck. The Witches Of Eastwick, a musical version of the John Updike novel and film, is in Edinburgh (Playhouse, until January 3, various ticket prices) with the ex-Wet Wet Wet frontman playing the horny little devil Darryl Van Horne.
In Glasgow it's panto-tastic aside from the very wonderful Sleeping Beauty, the third in the trilogy of playfully reworked festive ballets by Ashley Page for Scottish Ballet, and in my opinion the best. Expect truly stunning costumes from Anthony MacDonald and breathtaking choreography to Tchaikovsky's magnificent score.
As for the pantos, the best ones to go for tend to be the lavish oldies, so that's Cinderella at the King's in Glasgow (until January 11, various times, various prices) starring Gerard Kelly, Karen Dunbar, Andy Gray, Gavin Mitchell and Steven McNicoll; and Aladdin in Edinburgh at the King's starring Allan Stewart and Grant Stott and a 3D genie (until January 18, various times and prices).
MUSIC
Considering the time of year it's actually a good weekend in live music. Joan As Policewoman, who has played with Rufus Wainwright and Antony Hegarty, is at the Liquid Room in Edinburgh on Saturday night, while at the brilliant Elvis Shakespeare on Leith Walk during the day (2pm, free), Edinburgh's own bluegrass group Blueflint – they are great, I promise you – are playing. On Sunday, Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan bring their beautiful folk duets to the Picture House.
In Glasgow the venerable Jools Holland is at the SECC on Friday and Saturday, which is a proper festive night out, as are Primal Scream on Saturday as part of the NME Rock 'n' Roll Riot tour, which is not really festive but still a proper night out.
Fiona Leith is on holiday