THIS is my 13th Edinburgh Festival, including five in impro shows, three in plays, five in a punk covers band, three directing Phil Nichol and once - this year - in a sketch show, Pros from Dover (which I shall, henceforward, advertise subliminally, picture of a Pro, inset).
As you can imagine (Underbelly), memories tumble like snowflakes as I (4:25pm) return to the city.
For example, 1995's Festival of Punch-Ups. I arrived mid-festival for a week of playing bass in punk tribute band Beergut 100. During this week alo
ne, the following occurred, although not in this order.
Firstly, "Wild Man of Comedy" Ian Cognito engaged "Huge Former Boxer of Comedy" Ricky Grover in some light-hearted banter, during which he chose to describe the latter's wife using some poorly thought-out imagery. Invited to reorganise his thoughts, Cognito again chose unwisely, at which point Grover laid him out with one well-expressed punch. Cognito responded in a way which - given his reputation as "unpredictable" - we should all have predicted. He cancelled the rest of his run and returned to London.
Next, Lee Evans, relaxing one evening in the bar, was approached by a fan, with whom he exchanged pleasantries before turning to speak to his wife. This enraged the now former-fan, who went to work hurling insults at Mrs Evans, calling her "a groupie". Only a well-timed warning from Ian Cognito could have prevented what followed. Because, a bit like real boxing, there are several "Former Boxer of Comedy" titles, and Lee has one.
Lastly, the night I arrived in Edinburgh, I bumped into Rhona Cameron who, at the time, was known as something of a wild child ... but this year, she assured me, she was having a "chilled-out" Edinburgh. "I'm really taking it easy," she enthused. "Just a couple of drinks then off home." I thought to myself, "That's nice."
The following morning, no more than ten hours later, I bumped into a fellow comic who said, breathlessly, "Did you hear about Rhona Cameron? She's in jail." This was true. Mere hours after I had spoken to her, the police had been called to the scene of a disturbance whereupon Rhona rained blows upon one of them.
Is there, I wonder, among the latest batch of comics, one who, unbeknown to the rest of us, is just about ready to snap, like Michael Douglas in Falling Down?
Phil Whelans appears in The Pros From Dover at Underbelly, 4:25pm, until 24 August. 