'WOMEN condemn the Brown Bulge." Mark my words, that will appear on a placard very soon. It will be taken to Downing Street, expressing the collective female message: 'Put the VAT back on, Mr Brown.'
So what is the Brown Bulge? Since VAT was cut, the resurgence of the 1p and 2p has been startling. My coffee at Pret a Manger used to cost £1.50. Now it's £1.47. Everything is a few pennies cheaper and we're getting those pennies in our hand. It cert
ainly is time for change, and I'm not quoting Barack Obama.
But it means women's purses are heavier. Our handbags are, too. As for our pockets? Even worse news. Too much change creates a very bad silhouette. That's the Brown Bulge. Did Gordon Brown not realise the implication of cutting VAT would be that he may alienate female voters?
Even before the VAT cut, the change in change interested me. People used to count it out. There is a newsagent near me where the assistant still does. A customer holds out a palm and into it she goes: "Twenty pence makes a pound, a pound makes two, three four five, a nd five's ten." Now that's a real return to the monetary policy of the 1970s.
The usual approach is to shove all change and a receipt simultaneously into a customer's hand, which ends up spilling on to the floor, rolling under a counter, necessitating bending down whereupon your handbag (if you're female) tumbles off your shoulder, while a vertebra sharply expresses its discontent at this choreography.
Anyway, back to VAT. A note to charities in these times: why not place 'Unwanted VAT-back boxes' at the till in fashion shops? Women will gratefully offload their coppers.
Otherwise, what will happen? We will need something to do with all these coppers. One possibility is the resurgence of things that cost a penny. Alas, that no longer includes visiting the loo; even deflation is unlikely to result in that lavatorial bargain. But I predict plenty of penny chews.
The bigger danger is that people will have so many coppers they will find the time to fill up little plastic bags and take them to their local bank to be turned into silver and notes. So many, in fact, there will be queues outside the banks. Exactly the image of Britain Gordon Brown wanted to avoid in the first place. For that reason he may decide to repeal the VAT cut, but we women can claim victory for the anti-Brown Bulge campaign. I don't give tuppence why he stops people giving me tuppence. Just as long as they do.
Cracking monarch, Gromit!AFTER disappointing viewing figures for the Queen's speech at Christmas, I wonder if BBC executives are seeking ways to revamp the format. Has, perhaps, Tyra Banks already been asked to develop Britain's Next Top Monarch, a show which would pitch young Royals Beatrice, Eugenie and Zara Phillips against each other to be a model queen? They would accept posies doing poses. And moodily unveil plaques.
The Queen, judging along with Banks, would use her comments to say what she would have done in a speech. "I just wasn't getting 'gracious' as you took those flowers, Beatrice, and in economic conditions like this we all have to give and take."
Another alternative could be to get Nick Park to create a model that would speak the words the Queen had written. There may not be enough turquoise clay to make her matching dress, coat, shoes and handbag, though.
• Forget the January blues. Britain now suffers post-Christmas orange. It may be the worst time of the year, but many women have a bright outlook. So bright, I wonder if they all got fake-tan tokens for Christmas. Are fake-tan tokens the new book tokens? The ideal gift for people who want to be deep tangerine, not well-read, the vouchers would be redeemable for a bake or a spray at anywhere displaying a "we're in the fake-tan scheme" sign, accompanied by an orange thumbs-up, taken from a photo of someone who didn't wash their hands after application.
