SO here it is. Last Christmas I gave you my heart but they said there'd be snow and after all Santa Claus is coming to town and we'll be rocking around the Christmas tree with chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Oh, and all I want for Christmas is you . . .
If the lyrics to some of the most annoying songs ever written aren't already inked into your subconscious, then the coming weeks are guaranteed to have you either humming along or running, screaming
for the hills.
For sure as Mary met Joseph and then a baby came along, one thing is guaranteed in these days of economic uncertainty – Slade's income is about to soar.
Music psychologist Adrian North shakes his head with despair. His interest in the impact the music we hear has on our behaviour is rooted in cheesy Christmas offerings: as a teenager he stacked shelves in a supermarket and counted each time Bing Crosby's White Christmas was played in a shift.
"It was 26," he moans, "and it's fair to say I was not a happy chappy at the end of it.
"But it also made me wonder what impact hearing that had on the people around me, not so much the shoppers but the poor staff. And the truth is it actually affects the morale of the staff, it grinds them down.
"Still, I do think businesses are getting a bit wiser now to that fact there are really only so many times you can hear Merry Christmas by Slade – because if a form of music can help persuade shoppers to select a product, it could also work the other way around too."
He should know. Since completing his PhD in music psychology 12 years ago, the 36-year-old's research and expertise has been used by a string of businesses seeking out the best music to bombard their customers with.
Ever wondered why you're suffering Love Me Do on the panpipes while waiting for the call centre in Delhi to explain your bank charges? Or tinkling harp versions of the Skye Boat Song, Greensleeves and endless Enya, tunes that you might think are simply fuelling your annoyance rather than calming you?
"If you put calm music on while people are on hold, then they will hold on longer," he explains. "We did some research, we played Beatles songs – everyone loves the Beatles – and we played panpipe versions of the songs to see how long people would listen.
"We thought everyone would say the panpipe versions were awful – and they were – and hang up. But we actually found the panpipes worked better because people found them more relaxing."
Today Prof North is fresh from pulling together his latest research, an exploration into personality traits and their connection with the kind of music individuals choose to listen to.
It uncovered a string of curious results: who would have thought that a heavy metal fan would share similar characteristics to the kind of person who chooses to tune into classical sounds?
Or that fans of pop music are generally less creative, while country and western lovers are hardworking?
"What I'm interested in is how music relates to everyday life," says Prof North, who arrived at Heriot-Watt two years ago from Leicester to take up the role of director of psychology. "Walk down Princes Street on a Saturday afternoon and people are dressed in various ways that flag up their musical allegiance. So I wanted to look at their personality traits to see if they are greater or lesser in different groups of fans.
"We ended up with 37,000 people doing our online survey. We looked at 104 different musical styles from across the world and compared the music with the five big personality types: openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness and neuroticism, and we asked them about their self esteem.
"We found each of the music styles correlated with one or more of the personality dimensions."
Some may well wonder so what? But there is a deeply serious side to the research that makes it far more than a fun exercise.
Take suicide and self-harm – who would have thought that sedate, sensible fans of opera would turn out to have relaxed attitudes to suicide, putting them on a par with the self-harm prone heavy metal fan?
Or that the music enjoyed by country and western fans also revealed a link with suicidal attitudes?
There's another element of music's impact on society that is coming under further scrutiny from some areas. Could it be that certain styles of modern music are fuelling our antisocial behaviour, violence and knife crimes?
"The antisocial debate about music is a much bigger deal in the States than the UK just now," Prof North explains, "but I believe that's going to change soon.
"Since 1985 in America there has been an organised protest movement against 'problem music', with lyrics that are sexual or violent. That's where the 'parental advisory' stickers came from.
"Here David Cameron has gone on record, questioning rap music on Radio One and saying did the broadcaster realise it encourages people to carry knives. Former home secretary David Blunkett has said similar in the past too.
"I've been involved in court cases where the prosecution has said that violent lyrics could have been associated with someone committing a crime. So there's a concern at a high level about the messages music is sending out."
So should we follow the US example and plaster warning stickers over contentious CDs or even follow moves by some states to outlaw music? It's not quite as straightforward, warns Prof North.
"There is evidence that the more you listen to violent lyrics you're more likely to break the law, that sexual lyrics can be associated with desexualised attitudes," he says. "But you also have to look at much more – easily the strongest predictor of a violent or sexually promiscuous background is not the music but it's where these people come from and often that's a less than desirable family background.
"But there is also evidence that by putting on a warning sticker that it primes people to think in a certain way – its mere presence makes you expect it to be more violent and the very act of putting it there has a negative effect on the listener."
SHOP AROUND FOR THE RIGHT TUNE TO ENCOURAGE SPENDING"Music in shops can have a direct connection and influence on shoppers' behaviour," says Prof North. "It can speed up consumers – people who eat in a restaurant where the music is fast will eat quicker.
"And likewise, slower music encourages them to take more time. In shops they browse longer – and ultimately spend more money.
"Music usually fits the product so people can remember it and will come back. If the shops plays classical, opera or New Age-style music, often the shoppers seems to be prepared to spend more money, they regard the product as more upmarket and exclusive."
Christmas music might get shoppers thinking about buying gifts, but too much, too loud can have a negative effect.
"Shops would be better steering away from the Christmas pop tunes and opting for something a little calmer, like sleigh bells," he adds.
"It's festive and it's gentle. And who wants to listen to Merry Christmas by Slade over and over again?"
