SO, MILEY Cyrus, Barbra Streisand, P!nk and Jeff Bridges have recorded a song together. Or, put another way, Brian Wilson, Wyclef Jean, Enrique Iglesias and Vince Vaughn have recorded a song together. Or... well, however you look at it, the mind boggles. Just how will the 2010 version of We Are The World, recorded last week, turn out?
Who knows, but surely it can't be any stranger than the old version I just stumbled across on YouTube. Picture the scene: as the song begins, three young people in red sweatshirts are running as fast as they can away from the Hollywood sign in Los An
geles, as if it's going to explode at any moment. Then, just as you're pondering the significance of that, a mulleted man with a California tan croons the first line. It's... well, it's Lorenzo Lamas from TV show Falcon Crest. Hmm, interesting choice.
It gets better. Moments later we are offered Limahl delivering the immortal line "there are people dying and it's time to lend a hand" as if he's about to shoot everyone in the pub just behind him, while Pat Sharp rolls his eyes at him.
It gets better, again – Larry Hagman, Bo Derek, Kim Wilde, Mel Smith, Richard Kiel (Jaws in the James Bond films), footballer Ian Rush, and, um, Belgian Eurovision winner Sandra Kim. If you've ever wondered what Bonnie Tyler continuing to sing while someone attempted to drown her would sound like, here's Sandra with the answer. Nik Kershaw sings his line in front of Big Ben, and Big Ben sings along with him. "Bong!" it goes, slightly out of time with the song, and you wonder whether this was deliberate, or whether they were in such a hurry to finish the thing that they didn't have a chance to do another take.
I quite like these ensemble charity singles. They're like little pop time capsules, reminders of a time when Kim Wilde and Mel Smith formed a novelty pop duo called Mel and Kim, or when Falcon Crest was quite popular. I wonder what future generations will make of Everybody Hurts, Simon Cowell's REM cover, featuring Leona Lewis, Susan Boyle, Mika and Miley Cyrus, whose appearance on both the British and American charity efforts makes her, I suppose, the new Phil Collins.
Both We Are The World and Everybody Hurts are raising money for Haiti. You could, of course, just make a donation without the need for any of this nonsense. If you want to see a fine pop tradition continue, though, you know what to do with your cash.
• This article was first published in Scotland on Sunday on 07 February 2010