What's the best meal you've had?As I write this, I'm about to eat an eight-day-old spag bol that I made, froze before it had a chance to cool down properly, defrosted in the sun for two days and am now nuking in the microwave. So
maybe I'm the wrong person to ask.
What's the worst meal you've had?I think I've just eaten it. If I get to the end of this questionnaire, I'll be happy.
What's in your fridge?I live with fascists who insist that we have separate shelves in the fridge. All I have in there is some out-of-date Boursin. That's it. Literally. The fridge is packed, but none of it is mine. I did have a yoghurt in there, but apparently I put it on the wrong shelf and one of the aforementioned fascists ate it.
What's your most useful kitchen utensil?I recently discovered that an old dog poop scoop (rinsed, obviously) makes a splendid makeshift spatula.
Do you have a guilty pleasure?Not really. I do kill occasionally, but these days it's not something to beat yourself up about.
What's your classic stand-by recipe?Boursin.
Who would you invite to a fantasy dinner party?What's the point of inviting anyone? It's a fantasy dinner party. It seems pretty obvious to me that they're not going to turn up. And if they do turn up, they'll be pretty disappointed that it's a fantasy dinner party.
Which food says 'home' to you?No food says 'home' to me; I've eaten some things that have said 'go to the toilet immediately', but nothing has ever said 'home'. I did have a piece of kebab once that was trying to tell me something, but it was barely audible and in the end I threw it in a skip on my way home.
Have you ever been on a diet?No. I'm pretty lucky that food goes straight through me. Given my diet, this may not be surprising.
What's the one food that always makes you feel better?Sausage and mash is a good comfort food; lace it with penicillin and ground-up aspirin and it has remarkable healing properties too.
Do you buy organic?When you leave food lying around as long as I do, and cook it as badly, it doesn't really matter whether it has got fertiliser on it.
The full article contains 438 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
