IF YOU were to ask me what I wanted for Christmas, I would tell you I already got my ideal gift.
It came in the form of a man called Muntadhar al-Zaidi, a correspondent for Al-Baghdadia Television, who threw his shoes at George Bush's head during a press conference in Iraq last week – that made my year! Just watching Bush with that slightly da
zed, dopey face dodging about as shoes flew over his skull made me laugh so much I almost chucked up a lung.
I personally think there is a lot to be said for a man who throws his shoes at a President's face. After all, Bush did promise peace in Iraq and that hasn't happened.
If I had my chance, I would dig out my brother Jim's 1970s platform shoes, whose soles resemble a double nougat ice-cream layer cake – they are clumpy and made of dense, thick wood – and catapult them right at Tony Blair's head, as he also sanctioned the invasion of Iraq and totally deserves a shoe bruise.
In fact, I think shoe-throwing is vastly underrated and should be introduced as a way of showing distaste for politicians. It won't kill them and gives the thrower a great sense of achievement.
Using shoes as a weapon brings back memories to me, as my mum used to wear Dr Scholl sandals back in the 1970s. They were basically a plank of hard wood with a strap of leather over the instep and were perfectly designed for whipping off and smacking your kids with. I lived in dread of the evil wooden flip-flop as they never broke and they never seemed to wear out – Everlasting Child-Beating Sandals should have been the Dr Scholl selling point.
My mammy was an expert at throwing Scholls. You could be in another room and the sandal would fly round corners and still hit you on the head.
She was like that superhero bloke from The Matrix, but with gravity-defying shoe-flinging abilities. She wasn't evil. It was just the 1970s and parents occasionally whacked their kids to make them toe the line. It was back in the days when, if you told your mammy to f**k off, you mysteriously disappeared or developed a limp for a few months.
So my point is this: the next time you have a problem with authority, take a leaf out of the Iraq Book of Insults and throw your shoes.
Please help them to help othersTHE run-up to Christmas can make people stressed out; in the current cash climate people are reaching breaking point. Crisis Counselling is a group based in Erskine and provides a counselling service to anyone who needs urgent help all year round.
The counsellors are volunteers and they take referrals from people across Scotland. You can often wait months for NHS mental health appointments, but Crisis is there if you pick up a phone.
They work on a tiny budget yet provide a huge service to people who are at the end of their tether. Last week, more than 100 new people came through their doors, reaching out for help.
Crisis is providing Social Conscience gifts this year. This allows you to buy five counselling sessions for an abused child, or the gift can help people who are contemplating suicide through stress.
It may not sound much but will last longer and feel better than bubble bath or Santa socks.
www.crisiscounselling.co.ukSpare an envious thought for those working on ThursdayMANY people forgo their Christmas Day and go to work instead.
It can seem a huge sacrifice, but sometimes it's the best place to be.
I enjoyed the Christmas Day shift when I owned a bar, because everyone came to the pub to have a good time and were always rather jolly.
Elsewhere, some families will be trapped together in some stuffy living room, full of booze and food, all trying hard not to slap each other, while tired mums just want everyone to leave so they can rip off that uncomfortable new bra and have a nap.
Merry Christmas, be nice to each other, even if it is just for one day!
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www.janeygodley.co.uk