IT IS 11:45pm, in BBC TV News' ultra-modern studio, and if their ratings ever dive the way my ego just has, I fear for the corporation's future.
As usual, I am there for the newspaper review slot. The Glasgow Empire, at its worst, could not have delivered me a more humiliating introduction. I sit, yearning for 'Christ, there's two of them' (the famous comment marking the entrance of Bernie Wi
nters after brother Mike was already on stage), which would have been a big build-up in comparison. You see, the presenter has already said hello to the first newspaper reviewer. But, turning to me, she forgot my name. I have just been introduced as Linda...(pause) uh…Kennedy.
The papers are spread before me and I am poised to offer my pert analysis. Whatever the other issues, there is …was…fun to be had noting that Washington is better than Hollywood regarding age disparity between its leading men and ladies. John McCain is 72, Sarah Palin 44. In the movie, McCain might be played by Sean Connery, 78, and, at the rate she's doing films, Keira Knightley would portray the aspiring VPL (vice-presidential lady, not visible panty line).
A sports page has also been thrust at me. Cowdenbeath of the South has not, apparently, been taken over by anyone from the Middle East. However, coverage shows Britain is still doing wheelies of glee about the Olympics and so I had intended to raise a key issue: is naming a cycling stadium after Chris Hoy enough? Or does the whole country deserve his name, if only to hear seamen arriving in port and shouting "Land ahoy". Another would yell: "Where is it, cap'n?" The answer: "Land of Hoy, I just said so."
Linda Uh-Kennedy, however, feels her spark draining from her. Is there an art of being forgettable in style? Do I comment and note it's the first time in my life I have possessed a double-barreled surname – 'Uh-Kennedy' – and does that make me posh? Do I hope people will have misheard, think it's Linda O'Kennedy and assume I am Irish, a Celtic tigress of comment? Do I tell my self-esteem this has only occurred because distraction abounds in every studio, chaos-lite is just a few hitches away, and push on with as much pep as I can muster? That one, I think.
Solace comes from the knowledge that I am not alone. At moments of stress, it is quite possible to forget your own name, let alone that of a guest. So, note to self, persons introducing others at events and, of course, presenters. Big write-downs are not just for the Bradford & Bingley. Jot the name of your conversational partner in jumbo letters. Please. Remember that, at least.
Coughing up's not worth itHEARD of non-smoking smokers and a non-smokers' cough? They've emerged since the puffing ban and here's why.
Go to most cafes, order coffee 'to stay', and it will be served in a cup. The equivalent 'to go' comes in a paper beaker twice the size and is consumed by smokers at tables outside. One coffee is never enough for me, therefore my 'to stay' volume is supplemented by a second, at an extra £2. The obvious solution is to request a paper cup but sit indoors. Try it. People eye you like you're an environmental terrorist. So you get a paper cup and head out, choosing to be 'al fresco'. But it's cold. That's how the non-smokers' cough develops.
Still, pay £2 more when you don't have to? Let's put the tin lid on that. Well, the plastic lid, at any rate.
• Tic-tac-toe is an old-fashioned children's game. Lap-top-toe is a modern adult condition. The ailment occurs because floors are increasingly where laptops are placed; such storage is near an electrical outlet and the laptop is easy to pick up while you're sitting on the sofa.
A homeowner, however, sometimes forgets this while walking around, without, in my case, her shoes on. So she stubs her toe. It's not only painful, it's galling, as the laptop, if it had a personality, would be sniggering 'if only you'd booted up properly'.
