AS BACON butties go, you can't beat this one. The butty is lightly tanned – part-baked rather then Fake Baked – and the bacon is so lean, it's size zero. It's a celebrity buttie, which is appropriate as it's on the menu at a breakfast debate asking the question: "Does the media break more celebrities than it makes?"
The room is full of commentators from blogs, newspapers, TV, radio and PR agencies. We are chewing the fat, while chewing the reduced fat. Businessmen and politicians may be used to arguing at this hour; my debates are usually confined to the merits
of fruit salad against yoghurt. Those are my weighty issues.
Balancing food and coffee is harder than addressing the issue to be debated. Around the room, people tip over plates and spill cups, resulting in breakfast explosions. Honey-and-nut-cluster bombs abound.
Issues of celebrity culture are confronted. There is no such thing as just a "celebrity", we learn, there are types and ranks. One calibration is A-list to Z-list (and on to the Cyrillic alphabet), another calibration is to liken celebrities to the aristocracy. Some celebrities, perhaps Olympic athletes, would be Honourable Young Ladies and Gentlemen.
Well-known politicians, and I type carefully, might be counts. Certainly, the amount of coverage given to celebrity children – such as Peaches, Pixie, Jamie Winstone – recommends this analysis. The celebocracy is surely the new aristocracy when celeb children have hereditary PR-ages.
The panel chairman talks about the economic need for celebrities. They sell magazines, he says. Surely, I think, the need for economic celebrities is more urgent this week? Aren't tabloid editors crying: "Get me a thin, blonde economist to explain what the hell naked shorting is!" "Er, Alistair Darling?"
A tabloid's dream would be a Page 3 economics graduate able to talk about market turmoil. "Numba cruncha stunna loses her shirt in the meltdown. But at least she still has her assets."
The root of celebrity coverage is touched upon. Why is there a zeal for Z-listers? Does it come from readers, who say no but mean yes, who tut in public but are titillated in private? Or from newspapers and magazines themselves? Evil pushers, peddling their wares on street corners, slipping victims several grams of their fix for a cover price?
The debate ends with a realisation, rather than a conclusion. We may still be pondering "does the media break more celebrities than it makes?" but what's clear is the media has consumed fewer butties than had been baked. That's why it was held over breakfast – to show self-regulation is possible.
We leave. Unlike some media events, there is no goody bag. But we have eye bags instead.
Vacancy in the satire marketI JUST saw a guest house with a sign saying: "B&B, £90". Underneath were the words: "Bankers' special. Cheaper than the Treasury. PS we also do overnight accommodation."
The proprietor is surely a stockbroker who sold up and went into satirical vacations rentals. But it got me thinking. When bankers went to Downing Street earlier this week to discuss saving Bradford & Bingley, Alistair Darling effectively had a sign up saying "B&B, several few million pounds".
Maybe he should start taking paying guests at Number 11. He's going to need all the cash he can get.
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It's rare to be glad that there are no days off coming up. But, if it had to happen, it's a good thing the collapse of financial institutions has taken place in September and October. Imagine it had been August, a month filled with bank holidays. Right now, how relaxing would it feel if all the banks were shut? On a bank holiday, the only meltdown you want to be thinking about is ice cream on the beach. Not the sort that might affect your life savings. Does all this signal an end to the bank hol
