'AND now, live from Edinburgh… Strictly Come Scottish Dancing." Cue professional dancers wearing backless kilts with sequins. Celebrities looking awkward in plaid-trimmed spangled bodices. And comments from the judges including "your bahookie stuck out during that jig" – Craig. Or Bruno: "You birl… like a girl…" Arlene in tartan might look scarily like Lorraine Kelly, but we could cope. Should a kilt whoosh up too far, Brucie would say: "ooh, I couldn't look. Not
Surely the time is right for this show? Watching Strictly Come Dancing this week, at first I merely thought do any ceilidh numbers ever get on the celebrities' dance card? The American Smooth has already been there, along with Latin dances. Yet shoul
dn't the BBC, keen to up its representation of the nations and regions, favour homegrown choreography? In fact, isn't there a quota system that applies to dancing? Ceilidhs are filled with intricate numbers that would baffle most celebrities and therefore create entertaining television. Some might be set the Highland Schottische, for example. Or all dancers together could be tasked to demonstrate a Shetland Strip the Willow.
From this thought, it was just a small step to the notion of an entire programme featuring the well-known-for-now trying to master ceilidh numbers. John Sergeant would travel north, avid to excel at one dance in particular and be known as the "Dashing White…" Heather Small might have a knack for Scottish dancing, and thereafter be known as "Heather of the Heather", rather than "the one who's always in the dance-off". Plenty of Scottish ex-news types might also get involved, just for the gowns. Jane Franchi even wore evening frocks to present Superscot. As for other contenders, there are River City actors, ex-members of Del Amitri, former footballers.
Just think. If Strictly Scottish took off, the popularity of ceilidhs would shoot up. Scottish dancing might become fashionable. Single women would give up salsa classes and go to gay Gordons classes to meet men. Well, maybe not. But a cultural dividend could follow, as Strictly Scottish might lead the way towards more opt-outs, and at least there'd be a Scottish two-step if not a Scottish six. There would be positive political implications too: if its dancers were nimble on the floor, Scotland could be said to have joined the arc of dexterity.
Might the BBC give this a whirl? As Brucie and Tess almost say: "Kee-eeep dreaming."
Where will Scouts sew sex badge?SCOUTS are to receive sex guidance. Upon reading this, I pondered immediately on the issue of badges.
Do Scouts, like Brownies, have sewn-on status to demonstrate proficiency? If so, what will they use to mark this new "sex guidance" qualification? A glance at the Scout website showed capable Scouts do indeed earn badges, and there are even prescribed locations on the uniform. Activity badges go on the sleeve, for example. Others go on the lapel. It is, indeed, a busy uniform on the badge front. Thankfully for those young men who intend to study hard, and practise too, there is space for a new badge declaring aptitude in sexual health.
I, a former Brownie, wouldn't dream of advocating what a Scout badge should be. I merely suggest the right combination of discretion and pride could be a thumbs-up, to be sewn just under the belt.
JOHN McCAIN'S automatic "robocalls" aren't a bad idea, you know.While the content of McCain's calls is vile – they seek to portray Barack Obama as a friend of terrorists – the concept of the "robocall" is attractive. I would like this facility.
Imagine how much hanging-on time would be saved. Think of avoiding speaking to someone who couldn't care less. And I don't think I'm alone. There's money to be made, should someone develop robocall software to sell to consumers, which will automatically dial our gas and electricity companies, saying: "Hello, my bill is wrong."
