ARE we seeing tinsel's last strand? Every year it seems there are fewer foil garlands in the run-up to Christmas. Tinsel is becoming the gnome of decorations: naff and old-fashioned.
Any city aspiring to be chic now uses illumination to Christmas-up its streets. Lights are the new tinsel. Trees are flecked with electric snowflakes. It will be a 100-watt White Christmas.
In these enlightened times, brightly-lit bells and holly
leaves hang from lampposts. Stars also twinkle, when plugged in. But a flaccid bit of tinsel? Forget it. It runs against environmental concern – turn the lights out, we are told, though leave the ones in the city square on – but, as a nation, we are draping cheap Christmas frills far less. It's like Britain went to the style doctor and had its tinsel taken out.
The rejection is repeated in the home. Wreaths of holly now hang on the smartest front doors. Anything else would lead to mutters of disdain. "The neighbours have put tinsel round the door knob! What's that going to do for house prices?" And though some homeowners take the fashion for Christmas lights too far, a billion-watt bungalow can be defended on one ground only: at least there's no tinsel.
So why have we left tinsel in the box? Is it just too old? Tinsel was invented in 1610; it's coming up on its 400th birthday – roughly the same age as most strands still hanging. And doesn't everything that old dangle? And droop? It's more than that, though. Tinsel as a brand is a disaster; by reputation, it is the ornament for the imagination- challenged. And décor for the disorganised. In one way, tinsel's day has yet to come. It will be Christmas Eve, when it's gathered up in armfuls on garage forecourts near you.
Yet it's not completely gone. The tawdry trimming can be spotted as a drunken headdress after a party, or worn by children, stubbornly intent on being Christmassy.
I saw one girl out shopping with tinsel antlers on. She was suddenly bewitched by a Santa in a window display and halted. Shoppers behind – mentally scoring off presents and paying less attention than they ought – almost fell on to her antlers.
Doctors at casualty would have been going "ho ho ho" at the injuries: "How did you split your forehead?" "I was head-butted with tinsel antlers."
Does tinsel have a future? Perhaps as a twist on the bland wishes we convey annually by card (and an overhaul is due; can you endure another instruction to have a "Merry Christmas"? Or follow the cautious incitement to enjoy "Happy Holidays"?) Instead, how about a more rueful greeting: "It's all tinsel, isn't it?" Or being encouraged to "have a tinsel-tastic time".
I hope you do.
Separate loos must be the No 1 priorityIS THE end nigh for the urinal? Japanese men are being encouraged to sit down whilst visiting the bathroom, as their wives are fed up with the splash created when they remain standing. Your average Japanese male can't tinkle on target, a poll reveals, and the order to stay seated during all numbers of relief is to prevent the ensuing spray.
It's the top of a slippery slope, ladies, which won't improve after wiping. If men sit down at home, their position in public lavatories will follow. Separate pieces of ceramic bathroom ware will no longer be required, and that means more than waving goodbye to the urinal. Architects might ask: "Do we need separate lavatories for men and women?" What then? Unisex facilities in lieu of our own loos, that's what. Unimaginable aromas, visual shocks (men never give the bowl the all-clear before departure) and, for us, lots of shaking as the one thing chaps are reluctant to insert is a new loo roll. Already the shape of toilet bowls in Japan is changing to cater for the larger man-bottom and his sit-down visits. And it's all making me feel quite desperate.
To retaliate, we women must take a stand. In this case, it's a literal one. We should learn how to gain relief whilst staying tall. Bowls would then be narrowed to allow us to straddle, ensuring a key difference between what gents and ladies need when they need. The separate lavatorial set-up would then be safe.
Time to form a sisterhood of the cistern, I say. United we stand, divided we're sharing the loo with the chaps.
In the pink and absolutely FabioSO, FABIO Capello. I've no idea about his management skills, but his name has some immediate advantages. English fans will not have to compose new chants. To the tune of "Here We Go", they can sing "Fabio Fabio Fabio".
This will act as a siren call to an unlikely group of new supporters. Gay ones. Fabio, surely, is Italian for "fabulous"; to hear their catchphrase lustily yelled must lead them to terraces. Will shirt makers then see a chance to appeal to the "pink pound"? Umbro cut the number of England jerseys it planned to make after the team failed to qualify for Euro 2008; but here, unexpectedly, are supporters they could target with a new range. And this is the bit Scotland supporters will especially enjoy. A pink England away strip soon? Fabio.
• HAS Gordon Brown hired new speechwriters? To MPs on the liaison committee, his motto was: "Fail no more, second best no more, tolerating failure no more." Which fellow Fifers sang: "Bathgate no more, Linwood no more, Methil no more?" Try Mr Brown's words to the tune of Letter from America. Mindful he may need a new job one day, is he aiming to be the third Proclaimer?
The full article contains 968 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
