Agony and ecstasy

Dear Agony Aunt

My mum is obviously fielding my daily calls to her and has stopped answering when I phone. She did this last year when she said she was having too much fun and was too busy to take them and now she's doing it again. How can she be so selfish?

Hanging on the Telephone

Dear Hanging on the Telephone

It should be you out there having too much fun to take her calls. She's the mummy. Try not picking up the phone for a few days so she starts to worry, just a little. That should get things back on an even keel. She'll soon call you when her computer starts to play up and she can't fix it.

Anyway, why are you so needy? You're an adult. Do you really need to pester her with calls every single day? Can't you just Google for the instructions on how to make shepherd's pie or find someone else to tell your dreams and hilarious stories to? It's high time you were out on the razzle searching for a confidante and playmate to fill that mummy-sized gap. Who knows, you might even bump into your mum when you're out and about – that way you'll know what she's up to and you'll save yourself a fortune in phone bills.

Dear Agony Aunt

We had such a brilliant time on holiday last year that we're going back to the same place. The only blot on the turquoise horizon is the fear of meeting up with some of the bores we had to put up with last time. How can we avoid them?

Wish they Weren't Here

Dear Wish they Weren't Here

You say you had a brilliant time so they can't have been that bad. Try not to be so selfish or unfriendly – at least you're getting a holiday, which is more than a lot of us can say. (If it wasn't for our camper van, Agony Uncle and I wouldn't be going anywhere either. If we didn't get our fortnight in East Lothian our relationship might be well tested, let me tell you.)

Try getting up an hour earlier and heading off on a day trip, or if you have small children, try nipping them whenever those you are trying to avoid are around. Or tell your little ones that the Bores just love card games and won't mind at all if they ask them to play. Often. They'll soon ditch you and find someone else to bother. Or they might actually love card games, which will solve your other problem – what to do with whingeing children.

Dear Agony Aunt

How can I stop my boyfriend getting completely trolleyed at music festivals and spoiling the experience for me. I spend half the time dragging him back to the tent and stopping him from making a fool of himself.

Teed-off in the Park

Dear Teed-off in the Park,

This calls for decisive action. You could be the one that buys the drinks and slow him down that way, but chances are he drinks twice as quickly and always makes sure he's the one who goes to the bar. You could tell him he's horrible when he's drunk but this rarely registers so why not arm yourself with a camcorder and record his shameful descent from attractive young man about town into shambolic, sunburned, vomit-ridden ned clad only in boxers and a stupid grin. You could up the ante by having him hennaed, corn-rowed and pierced too (whatever is on offer at said mudfest) then post the pics on YouTube, telling him he's such a laugh, you'd love all his pals to see it. Maybe when he sees himself he'll sober up. Fast.

It worked for the Hoff when his daughter shot that heartbreaking video of him rolling around on the carpet. For a while anyway...

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