Nina's tips to keep the monkey off your back

LET'S get the family connections out the way first. Nina Conti is the daughter of veteran heart-throb and film star Tom Conti.

So should you see a familiar looking gent smiling proudly as she does her stuff at the Pleasance Courtyard, now you'll know where you've seen him before. Evolution is the latest of Conti's shows to feature her sidekick talking monkey. Here, she shares five things you should never to do as a ventriloquist.

1 NEVER USE YOUR PUPPET AS A PARENTING TOOL
I thought monkey might hold some sway on the bedtime curfew. I made him tell my son it was bedtime. My son looked at him and said, "I know who you're working for", and it has taken the magic out of their relationship. He knows monkey is an agent for me.

2 NEVER TAKE YOUR PUPPET TO THE BEDROOM
Nowhere does the inner voice scream louder than during intimate relations – God forbid your puppet, your direct access to the uncensored mind, should be present during such a time.

3 NEVER GO ON STAGE WHEN YOU ARE NOT FEELING WELL
I recently fainted on stage. I hadn't been feeling all that well, hadn't eaten and hadn't slept much. I felt my vision turn blue and metallic as the blood left my head but the bloody monkey kept talking. Still trying to get a laugh as I struggled to remain standing. "Are you not feeling well Nina? Why am I talking so slowly? Where are we going with this? " Everyone thought it was building to a punch line, which made it all the more eerie as I stumbled off the stage to utter silence.

4 NEVER FORGET TO DO THE ACTUAL VENTRILOQUISM
Sometimes if I'm improvising, I get carried away and then think, "Crikey, am I actually doing the ventriloquism anymore or am I moving my mouth like a banshee and doing weird monkey eyebrows?" The disassociation of my own face takes vigorous and mindful multi-tasking.

5 NEVER CHECK YOUR PUPPET IN TO THE HOLD OF THE PLANE
Always as hand luggage. I flew to Austria for a show and the monkey didn't make it. I didn't trust the material to the naked hand and had to turn around and fly back home.

• Nina Conti: Evolution, Pleasance Courtyard, until August 25, 8.25pm, £9.50-£10.50, 0131-556 6550