Online friends you don't even know

ONLINE social networking may involve less effort and hold more mystery than the more traditional pint down the pub with your mates, but what dangers does the wonderful world of internet socialising hold for its many users?

Here, Idiots of Ants guide you to navigating a cool, yet calm course through the technological social seas.

Never get drunk before a sojourn into the online social world. There is nothing worse than stumbling in from the pub and logging on to Facebook or Bebo and starting to message friends, family or worst of all, the ex. Believe us, it is the road to misery.

First, you wallow in all those pictures of her and the new (significantly more rugged) boyfriend. Then you start to write, gush and pour your heart out, waking up the next day with something much worse than a hangover – never ending embarrassment.

And not even memory loss helps, as social networking sites helpfully record every last drunken syllable.Don't drink and hard drive!

Don't get addicted and spend so much time online that you become socially inept in the real world. These sites are a bit like drugs for people who love socialising.

You'll know it's time to get out more when you start a conversation by poking someone in the ribs or challenging them to a game of Scrabble or simply standing outside their house writing graffiti on their wall about how lovely they are.

Beware of 'friends' from school who you didn't even like in the first place. Why pretend now? Better off to be mature and just say, "I don't want to be friends with you'. Or give them a wedgy and a Chinese burn. Better that than end up playing online pirates, ninjas and cowboys.

Be careful who you 'poke'. Poking (whatever it means) is one of the laziest ways of saying hello, flirting or acknowledging someone else's existence. It warrants no reply and its meaning is so vague that the pokee has no idea what the mind of the poked thinks the poke means. Basically don't poke your mate's mum. It's just weird.

Change settings on your account so that only people you want can see your photos. Say you're a teacher/ game show host/pirate captain. Save yourself the embarrassment of Monday morning blues when your students/contestants/sea-dogs see loads of pictures of you throwing up in a bush wearing only a miniature sombrero.

Beware of Identity fraud especially in a comedy sketch group. Members of Idiots of Ants like nothing more than logging on under another member's name and changing your sexual orientation, amending your status to TWAT and then messaging completely inappropriate people with completely inappropriate things.

Finally, just get out more. The only thing worse than not having any friends is having 1000 friends online who you've never met.

The world is a dangerous place but at least its real. Now if you'll excuse us we've been neglecting World of Warcraft for too long.

• Idiots of Ants, Pleasance Courtyard, until August 25, 6.20pm, £8.50-£9.50, 0131-226 0026