IF YOU watch enough reality TV, you can really start to hate people. Not content with bringing us the vile bullies of Big Brother, Channel 4 now presents the awful employers of Personal Services Required, a grubby little show in which job-seekers aud
ition to become personal assistants to idiots.
According to the programme, PR consultant Suzi and businessman Peter are very successful at whatever it is they do. Goodness knows how. In the course of giving trials to the three prospective candidates, they both managed to embarrass themselves so thoroughly that anyone in their right mind would rather clean sewers than work for them.
Suzi told them that she was terribly important and experienced in public relations, but didn't know what a non-disclosure agreement was, horribly sucked up to Max Clifford (telling him, with a girlish giggle, that she was "in awe" of him, as he desperately tried to politely get her out of his office) and burst into tears on meeting the third applicant because he looked a bit like her ex-boyfriend.
Suzi's important business was run from a back bedroom with no phone lines or website, but she did have daily visits from her 'energy consultant' – not the man from British Gas, but a chancer who came round and waffled vague new-age mantras. She ended up offering the job to the male candidate, but a subtitle revealed he didn't end up taking it – unsurprisingly.
And the other employer was the dubious Peter, who wanted a 'platonic wife' to do his ironing, juggle his six girlfriends, cook his dinner and assuage his desperate fear that people thought he was gay. When the male applicant turned up, he panicked and tied himself in conversational knots. But the applicants weren't much better – one turned up an hour late saying she couldn't be expected to come in without having her hair done.
The publicity for this new series talks about the return of domestic help (claiming one in three families employ some form of it – yeah, in the areas where TV producers live, maybe). But the programme isn't really about that or the real world of business – it's just an excuse to show ghastly people exposing themselves.
With so many food programmes being made, there are bound to be some duds. Marco's Great British Feast has the strange premise that a chef 'discovering' British ingredients and dishes is somehow new, though many other shows have already emphasised the importance of fresh, local produce.
The series involves Marco Pierre White deciding on the menu for a large dinner party, which will somehow convince us all to eat British again. But the food wasn't that exciting, with minimal recipes and a contrived format (ooh, which main course will he choose for this spurious event? Who cares?)
He may be a great chef, but he's a stern and earnest presenter, with a strange habit of asking rhetorical questions. "A pig's not everyone's cup of tea, but would I have pig? Yeah. Would I have rabbit stock pot? Yeah. Would I change my name now? No, I wouldn't." Will I watch again? No, I won't.
Celebrity Masterchef is even less about the food, with some hapless TV faces (oh Clare Grogan, where did it all go wrong?) slaving away in kitchens while smug presenters John Torode and Gregg Wallace critique their seasoning. There's no explanation of how the food is made and little tension, because there's nothing at stake; it's like a beautifully presented dish that leaves you still hungry.
The full article contains 609 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
