RED TOP REVIEWTHIS is an ex-marriage. It has shuffled off its mortal coil. Add your own Monty Python jokes here, because John
Cleese is divorcing his third wife.
The comic legend, 68, separated from Alyce Faye Eichelberger four months ago after 15 years of marriage.
And he is
reported in The Sun to be paying her £77,500 a month as they fight over his fortune. Her lawyers are demanding two houses, £900,000-a-year maintenance, and half his earnings since 1992.
THERE'S always a bargain to be had at the Barras – especially if what you're after is a knock-off DVD or some sectarian paraphernalia – but how about an old master oil painting?
The Daily Record reveals that a painting bought at the Barras for 50p is set to fetch £50,000 at auction. The work, Chopping Logs Outside A Snow Covered Cabin, by Cornelius Krieghoff, was found buried under junk at the Glasgow market 30 years ago.
The painting's owner, who wants to remain anonymous, had no idea of its worth. He bought it for "10 bob" – because he liked it.
IT MUST be hard being an ex-princess. Ask Sarah Ferguson, the poor soul.
The Daily Mirror reports how she "revealed her torment" in a US talk show. The 48-year-old told viewers: "It's body image, and every single minute of my day I think that I'm fat, ugly and disgusting. Every minute of the day, that I'm unworthy, that nobody likes me."
SPORTRangers will tonight bid to become the first Scottish club to lift the Uefa Cup and manager Walter Smith faces a tactical dilemma. His side's run to the final has been characterised by cautious, disciplined performances but Smith has hinted at a more adventurous system this evening when Rangers face Zenit St Petersburg in the City of Manchester Stadium.
Jean-Claude Darcheville is likely to be the Ibrox side's lone attacker but the on-form Nacho Novo could have a key role to play, either starting in a wide midfield role or coming off the bench.
The game kicks off at 7.45pm and is live on STV/ITV1 from 7pm. The commentator is Archie Macpherson, who covered Rangers' last European triumph in 1972 – an omen perhaps?
Rene & Bo
THE roles start to dry up once you get past a certain age and actresses have to start diversifying. Bo Derek and Rene Russo have the Wilson and Keppel bit down pat. Now they just need a Betty.
Janet J prepares to fly
FLASH! Aah! He saved every one of us! Janet Jackson is doing her best Ming the Merciless impression. That'll teach you all to laugh at her wardrobe malfunctions.
Don't do it, Diane!
DIANE Keaton may well be selling herself as a serious author now, but she resembles nothing so much as a dodgy ventriloquist's dummy perched on the edge of that desk with her stripy stick legs hanging down.
Emma - off the mark
YOU'VE got to feel for Mary Nightingale and Emma B. You spend weeks hunting down the perfect outfit for an awards do – and then someone goes and turns up in the Primark version.
TELEVISION
NOW that the two Jennys have been heave-hoed for their spectacular back-stabbing and bitching abilities, the real game playing can finally begin. Where better to test the remaining candidates but in the hearts and harmony environment of a wedding show? There'll be tears before the chapel, for sure.
The Apprentice, BBC1, 9pm
JACQUES Peretti has offered up a fairly insight-light style of journalism in his recent tabloidy explorations of Amy Winehouse's descent into drug addiction, and his inconclusive investigation into the skeletons in Michael Barrymore's closet. This look at Michael Jackson, however, promises access to former managers and a genuine go at getting behind the truth.
Michael Jackson: What happened, Channel 4, 11.05pm
BUSINESS
Sainsbury's experiences profits surge
Supermarket chain Sainsbury's has reported strong growth in profits and plans to boost its non-food business. Around 117,000 of its staff will share a £47m bonus this year, after the supermarket group met a string of three-year targets designed to pull the store back from the brink.
Bradford & Bingley's £300m cash call
Bradford & Bingley has become the latest UK bank to go to its shareholders for extra cash. The bank said it was planning to raise £300m in a rights issue that offers existing investors the chance to buy more shares.
Inflation soars
Benchmark UK inflation surged from 2.5% to 3% in April – a whisker away from the 3.1% level at which Bank of England governor Mervyn King would have to write an explanatory letter to Chancellor Alistair Darling, and way ahead of the City's forecast of 2.6%.
INTERNET
Fancy a life on the ocean wave? Or a change from trainspotting? This site allows you to check out all the major shipping around the UK. It includes everything from the small ferries to the Western Isles to the giant tankers coming into Grangemouth. You can even zoom into harbours such as Aberdeen and Lerwick and get details about all the vessels there. The English Channel looks scarily crowded. We know what you are thinking: if only the U-boats had been able to log on to something like this.
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